A few months back, I was with a group of therapists when the subject of forgiveness came up. I was amazed at the intensity of emotion that was suddenly present in the group. While we could agree on a general definition, each person seemed to have a slightly different perspective ranging from the traditional Judeo-Christian to the practical to the meta-physical. Each person brought their own personal experiences to the discussion of whether forgiveness was necessary for healing. We left that discussion with a better understanding of each other and likely of ourselves, but certainly not in total agreement on the subject. Since that time, I have thought a lot about forgiveness. Are there some offenses that are unforgivable?
Defining forgiveness:
- Interpersonal forgiveness is a willingness to abandon resentment, negative judgment and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly injured us, while fostering the underserved qualities of compassion, generosity and even love toward the offender. Copyright © 2000, 2004 by the International Forgiveness Institute.
- Biblically, forgiveness is the act of pardoning an offender. We forgive others when we let go of resentment and give up any claim to be compensated for the hurt or loss we have suffered. The Bible teaches that unselfish love is the basis for true forgiveness, since love “does not keep account of the injury.”—1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.
https://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/questions/what-is-forgiveness/
Forgiveness does not mean condoning the offense or pretending the offense never happened. Forgiveness does not mean shielding the person from the consequences of their actions. Forgiveness does not mean allowing others to take advantage of us or “forgiving” every perceived slight. Sometimes, rather than pardoning the offender, we may need to admit that we had no valid cause for being offended in the first place. Some think that forgiving means forgetting but how is that possible?
Admittedly, where I struggle with forgiveness, and likely many others do too, is when there is no accountability on the part of the offender. We have all been in situations where a person refuses to acknowledge how what they did wronged us. I find that the most I can do in these situations is trust that, ultimately, the person will get what they deserve without allowing my anger to consume me. Sometimes, that is a hard road to walk.
Many years ago, I had a friend who was murdered. While we were not as close as we had once been, that single act impacted my life in many ways. Gone in an instant was the feeling that I was insulated in a safe cocoon. Gone were the days of leaving a window open at night or the door unlocked, ever. It took many years before the person who took my friend’s life was tried and convicted. I have come to understand the factors that may have led this person to this heinous act, but have I truly forgiven him? I don’t know.
Is forgiveness necessary to heal from life’s painful experiences? Certainly, living a life consumed with anger and vengefulness or, in the alternative, living life as a wounded person are not ideal choices. Each of us has to choose whether to forgive or not. In 2001, Robert Engle wrote a book entitled Forgiveness is a Choice. In this book, he details a Forgiveness Process Model that has four parts:
- Uncovering your anger
- Examining how you have avoided or dealt with anger and exploring how the offense and resulting anger have affected your health, worldview and life in general.
- Deciding to forgive
- Learning what forgiveness is and isn’t, acknowledging how your coping skills have and haven’t worked and setting the intention to forgive.
- Working on forgiveness
- Confronting pain and experiencing it fully. Developing a level of understanding and compassion for the offender.
- Discovery and release from emotional prison
- Acknowledging that you are not alone. Exploring what meaning the offense could have for your life and taking action on what you determine to be life’s purpose.
- R. Enright (2001). Forgiveness Is a Choice. Washington, D.C.: APA Books.
The most important consideration in determining whether forgiveness in any given situation is the right choice for you is whether it will help you to be a happy, fully functioning individual by helping you to heal. Remember,
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. -Lewis B. Smedes
How does forgiving set you free?
