Things in your life are not going well. You made a decision to go to therapy. You checked out several therapists and picked one. You made it to the office and started telling your story, hoping life would get better. And now things are not going well for you in therapy. Why does this happen? Everyone brings expectations to a relationship. Sometimes people think that just by showing up and talking to a therapist, their life will be different. But, changing your thinking and your behavior can be very difficult. Even if you are unhappy with your life, the rut you are in can be comfortable because you know what to expect. Change requires discomfort…sometimes a lot of discomfort…and that is hard. But what if you are open to change and the discomfort it brings and change is not happening for you? What if your gut tells you every time you step into the therapist’s office that something is not right? Listen to your instincts.
I would like to be able to say that every therapist provides a quality service. Unfortunately, the business of therapy is just like any other business in that there are some good and some bad therapists out there. Therapists have different levels of expertise and different styles. While any licensed therapist is held to a set of standards that are generally consistent over the disciplines, therapists are human and not all therapists always function within the standards of good practice. Here is a list of red flags to look for:
- Appointments that are cancelled frequently or without notice
- Stuff happens. Appointments occasionally need to be canceled or rescheduled due to illness or family situations. However, if this is happening to you more often than not, this is an issue.
- The therapist frequently keeps you waiting in the lobby past your appointment time
- Okay so the therapist is a few minutes late. Perhaps the client before you had a crisis. Perhaps the therapist got stuck on the phone-sometimes what you think will be a short call to reschedule an appointment turns into something else. But if your therapist is repeatedly 15 minutes or more late for most of your appointments, this is a problem.
- The therapist talks to you about his/her personal life and difficulties
- Some self disclosure is helpful. It can help you see that the problems you are grappling with are normal and affect everyone, even therapists. The question here is who is the therapist disclosure helping-you or the therapist? If it is not you, that is an issue.
- Therapy makes you feel demeaned or ridiculed
- Part of the purpose of therapy is to provide you with alternative ways of looking at things. Confrontation can be a part of this. Having said that, it should always be respectful and civil. Some people come to therapy because someone else sent them-an employer, a spouse, a court. Even if you are in therapy not of your own volition, you deserve a respectful experience.
- Any suggestion by the therapist of a relationship outside of therapy
- Remember, this is a professional relationship, not a friendship. Therapists should not ask you for money except to pay your bill. Therapists should not ask you for favors or a special deal from your business. They should not hang out or party with you. They should not move you into their home. There are strict rules about confidentiality and dual relationships in all therapy professions.
- Any suggestion of initiating a sexual relationship
- Therapy can be an intimate experience. You are sharing the most private details of your life with a person who is nice and accepting and never criticizes or demeans you. That feels good. People can develop positive feelings for a therapist that make them want more than the therapy relationship. Therapists with personal problems that they don’t attend to can fall into this trap as well. But intimacy is not sex and therapy should NEVER, EVER be a sexual relationship. By virtue of the therapist being the professional, they hold the power in the relationship. If the power is not equal in a relationship, true consent is not possible. If this happens to you, you should RUN, not walk out of this person’s office and file a professional complaint.
What should you do if you are unhappy with your therapy process or feel uncomfortable with any aspect of it? The first step is always to talk directly to the therapist about your concerns. While this can be difficult, it is hard for a therapist to correct something they don’t know is a problem. Sometimes things can simply be a misunderstanding, not misconduct. Communication is the key to resolving those types of issues. If this is unsuccessful you can ask for a transfer to a different therapist within the practice or for a referral to another therapist in the community. Many multi-therapist offices have an office manager, a director or a lead therapist that you can express your concerns to for help with resolution. If you are receiving therapy within an agency, there is likely a grievance process in place. And finally, every licensed therapist is governed by a state licensing agency which has a complaint process. In Kansas, this is the Behavioral Sciences Regulatory Board (BSRB). The complaint submission process and all confirmed findings of misconduct for those licensed through them is clearly posted on www.ksbsrb.org. This is a more accurate reflection of a therapist’s conduct than the online reviews that can be posted on a website where anyone can say anything.
Therapy should be a helpful experience for everyone. Know your rights. Communicate your needs. Be open to change. Trust your instincts.
