I often find that the person we find most difficult to forgive is ourselves. One of the reasons this is so hard seems to be the idea that we have to be perfect. We live in a society where perfection is the expected destination instead of appreciating the joys and trials of the journey. This, I think, is a detriment not only to society as a whole, but to each of us individually.
What is perfectionism? Dictionary.com defines it as any of various doctrines holding that religious, moral, social, or political perfection is attainable. Or a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less. When I told a friend I was writing a blog post about perfectionism, she responded “that will be easy, just say “give it up now!””. Unfortunately, the deeply held beliefs we have about striving to be perfect make it not quite so easy. Society contributes to this through shaming. “Fat shaming” is one such example, the idea that people are somehow less acceptable if they don’t look a certain way. More and more we have daily experiences of being marginalized because we don’t fit exactly into someone else’s or our own expectations. We have become an unforgiving society where if you don’t fit the mold of “perfect human being”, you are unacceptable.
The reality is that “I’m not perfect at it, so I gave it up” limits our possibilities in life. So, let’s put a different spin on this and reframe perfectionism. Perfectionism is bad. The idea that one can be perfect leads to unrealistic expectations about ourselves and others. Mistakes are good. Making mistakes helps us learn-what we want, what we don’t want, what we are good at, what our weaknesses are. In short, we learn more about ourselves. Sometimes what we think is a mistake turns out to be a blessing. And luckily, few mistakes turn out to be fatal. Mistakes are only a problem when we repeat them over and over, don’t take the time to process, reflect and figure out what to do differently next time.
Being less than perfect is okay. I am reminded of this every time I work in the yard. No matter how carefully I mow or how many times I rake the leaves off the lawn, there is always a stray stick or leaf that renders my lawn nothing like those you see in fertilizer commercials. Like everyone else, there are times when I feel I have failed those I love and respect by the mistakes I have made. In these instances, it is important to review the facts objectively. This often requires feedback from others. Sometimes what I think is a really big problem just isn’t. If needed, forgive yourself and move on. When you can’t be perfect and can’t forgive yourself anxiety, depression and loss of self esteem are likely to result complicating the situation even further.
Becoming who you are meant to be requires self acceptance and forgiveness. Self acceptance and the ability to forgive lead to compassion, empathy and freedom from rigidity and judgment.
“If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.”
